1. Status Updates about the weather where you are: Nobody gives a fuck about the weather somewhere else. Save that shitty anti-banter for your taxi drivers cause if that’s the best you’ve got I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Caveat: if you are, for instance, in the middle of a sandstorm I want to be updated, I’m interested, I’ve got questions… how similar is it to the movie Total Recall for instance … any three breast woman walking about the place? But rain? I’m very aware of the rain situation… nobody gives a shit about rain!
2. Status updates about how drunk you were last night: Oh you were pissed? On a Saturday night? Fuck off!?! You know who else was pissed last night… FUCKING EVERYBODY!! That’s not a story and it’s not interesting. If you got drunk at a funeral and misjudged the wisdom of a few necrophilia jokes that’s interesting. If you got drunk at a church and got kicked out for demanding more “Jesus juice” update that… I may even hit you a “like”. If you drank 10 Jagerbombs in C.P.’s and went home nobody gives a racoons cock.
3. It’s happening with increasing regularity that people are deleting my posts because they have some co-workers or relatives that they don’t want seeing them. If you delete my posts I’m never writing on your page again… you’re (facebook) dead to me. I will not be censored by your Facebook tyranny!!
4. These retards who protest every three months when Facebook slightly alters its format. Joining groups to bring back the old version and updating about how shit the new version is oblivious to the fact that 3 months previous they were whinging about the same version they are now so eager to save. Will ya give it a fucking day to get used to you fucking moron!!
5. This contrived sense of nostalgia that Facebook or rather it’s inhabitants seem so eager to propagate. Yes, we all remember Saved by the Bell and when girls were called beures, do we really need a group to bond together over these things? Does anybody else remember when people didn’t have to rely so much on a contrived sense of nostalgia to create empathy… ah good times.
Just on the point of needless groups. Are people so desperate to feel part of something that they’ll join anything just to feel the slightest sense of empathy and belonging? I mean I’ve seen an “I’m from Ireland but more importantly I’m from Mayo” group. Boasting about being from Mayo… seriously??? Nobody would choose to be from Mayo. In fact here’s a list of Facebook groups I’d rather be apart of : “Auschwitz Concentration Camp of 43!!!”; “I got a letter from Pope Benedict”; “Fritzel Basement 84-08”.
Just on the point of needless groups. Are people so desperate to feel part of something that they’ll join anything just to feel the slightest sense of empathy and belonging? I mean I’ve seen an “I’m from Ireland but more importantly I’m from Mayo” group. Boasting about being from Mayo… seriously??? Nobody would choose to be from Mayo. In fact here’s a list of Facebook groups I’d rather be apart of : “Auschwitz Concentration Camp of 43!!!”; “I got a letter from Pope Benedict”; “Fritzel Basement 84-08”.
6. People who play Farmville, Cafeworld etc. How are you people not utterly ashamed of yourselves? I mean at least ashamed enough to render the idea of boasting about having finished harvesting your fictitious crops risible. I mean you’re living out an interactive fantasy that you wouldn’t want to do in real life. If I gave you an actual farm you wouldn’t want it. It’s a fucking interactive coma! You’re just killing hours of your life. If you’re spending hours on these games honestly take up heroine… I honestly think it’ll be a more productive waste of your life.
7. People who comment or even “like” their own status updates or video posts. They’re your expressions. Unless you’re some sort of masochistic poster or schizophrenic gold fish you’re expected to like it. I’d like to think all the people doing it are being ironic but I’m afraid some of the offenders come from the same school of irony as Alanis Morissette.
8. It seems to me from viewing various photos that a lot of girls seem to be using their 20’s to “let themselves go”. If I were you ladies I’d watch out for that. Nothing has changed from when you were 19 and all the guys loved drinking with you cause you drank like all the lads. Guys still like drinking with crazy 19 year old girls but nobody wants a 25 year old girl with a beer belly like a darts player. Putting a ring on it is going to prove increasing difficult if the size of the ring needed keeps getting exponentially bigger each year.
9. Guys who put profile pictures of them with hot waitresses, cheerleaders, dancers etc. that they don’t even know. What is that? It’s not anything! At the very most you’re saying “Check it out, I managed to talk this hot chick into standing beside me for a second”… smooth!
10. People’s incessant desire to know who’s viewing their profile and this idiotic idea that one day there’ll actually be a group which grants you this knowledge. If people couldn’t revel in the perverted anonymity that this site provides what would be the point? Boyfriends would have to explain to their girlfriends their enthusiasm for her sisters Cyprus photos; the case for Madzo’s purported heterosexuality would take a further bashing when his “support” for Tyler Lautner’s Facebook page was revealed and I’d be left hoping my cousin Sandra’s sense of disturbed awkwardness overrode her need for answers at the next family wedding.
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